Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance is a concept that quite honestly I had a hard time understanding and ironically, accepting. I will discuss my opinions and thoughts on this DBT skill in a moment, but first i want to explain it to those of you who might not have heard of radical acceptance before.

In short, radical acceptance is accepting reality for what it is. Accept your situation, who you are as a person, who your family and friends are, what's happened to you in the past, etc. Everything. 

The concept is based on the premise that denial really won't get you anywhere. Fighting the past is totally pointless as past is past and therefore can't be changed, no matter how hard you want. The past was probably unfair, cruel, and to be honest, shitty at one point or another. And bluntly, you just have to learn to deal with it. 

A huge part of radical acceptance is willingness versus willfulness. I will define each:

Willingness-Doing exactly what is needed, and just what is needed. Focus on effectiveness and listen to your wise mind, doing what you KNOW is right and not what you FEEL is right. Be aware of where and who you really are, not where you feel you are or who you feel you are.

Willfulness-Refusing to make changes that are necessary. Giving up. Doing the opposite of what works, therefore not being effective. 

There really are only two steps to radically accepting. The first is to "turn the mind"; basically choosing to accept instead of reject reality. Turning the mind is making an inner, deep commitment to accept. This must be practiced, again and again, over and over, in every aspect of your life. The second step is to choose willingness over willfulness.

When you are not embracing radical acceptance, pain and suffering will always be there because you're fighting reality. Anger tends to build up in those of us who do this and many of us end up lashing out, which is definitely not helpful and can cause significant issues. Over analyzing and obsessing over what is will not help whatsoever; you have to acknowledge the past, present, everything without criticism or judgement.  

Now, as I said, I have the hardest time with this whole concept. First for the same reason many people claim this is the most difficult DBT skill to master; accept EVERYTHING without judgement or criticism and don't try and change it?! I thought unless you're a damn monk it must be near impossible. Secondlt because this whole acceptance thing confused me. Does it mean you have to accept your bad situation without changing it? If your spouse does something to hurt you, do you say, "Oh, okay. I accept it, I won't change you. I'll live with it."? Or if you're an addict, do you say, "I'm addicted to drugs, it's how it is. I'll accept this without trying to change anything."? This was my dilemma, and I'm still working on wrapping my mind around it to be honest. But here's the way I'm seeing it now:

I have to change my attitude in order to move on. Dwelling on what's happened to me, what my flaws are, what upsets me, is not going to help me one bit. And denying these things is equally as harmful. I have to just say, "Yeah, that happened. It sucked. Now what to do about it and move on." Also, I cannot change or control anything but myself. And even bigger, it isn't my job or responsibility to do so. I can't try and force someone to do/feel/say/think what I want. If a person does something harmful to me, i can leave the situation, but I can't change the person. If I have a thought such as, "I'm so damaged and dirty because of my past that no one will ever love me.", using radical acceptance I would think, "Okay, yes I was abused, and it had an effect on me. Move past the thought. I have people who love me." 

My girlfriend (who also had BPD) and I were just discussing this concept earlier today and we boiled it down to a pretty blatant statement:

"Stop being angry about the shit causing you suffering because it won't change a goddamn thing. The past fucking sucks, it hurt, but get up and just deal with it. Freaking about it all the time isn't going to help at all. You can't be a control freak about everything because then when you don't get what you want, it makes you lash out. Just go with the flow, work on yourself, see what really is, and be logical."

Love addiction...is it real?

What is an addiction? The basic definition of an addiction is doing something over and over that brings little to no positives to your life and quite often causes significant issues, yet you continue to do it. 

Love is the emotion which makes us human. It is what so many of us seek in life, it is what we live for, what we die for. Without love; loving and being loved, what is the point of life?

Combine these two things, and yes, love addiction is a very REAL thing. Especially with women, and especially with people who have mental health issues.

Most love addicts are not even aware that they are in fact, addicted to love. And many don't really love this person they are convinced that they are in love with! (Though this is debatable.) It isn't necessarily a relationship that love addicts seek, it is the feelings that come with being loved. The support, affection, maybe even obsession. 

Many people with borderline personality disorder experience love addiction at some point. I know that I have. It is very difficult to know whether what you feel is real or not until the relationship ends because when you're in it, you are in "love". Now, the way I know I didn't love all those other people is because the moment they were not in my life anymore, I didn't care. Maybe it sounds cold, but it's true. Maybe I felt a but lonely or angry, but never that gut wrenching feeling of loss that comes with true heartbreak. 

Sex addictions is part of love addiction, though some specialists think they're two different entities. I believe that in most cases, sex addiction is a dangerous combination of poor impulse control and love addiction.

Being a sex addict, especially for a woman, is extremely embarrassing in our culture. A lot of female borderlines become known as "whores" or "easy" because of this problem, which only makes the addiction itself worse. 

To many people sex addiction is NOT about sex at all. In fact many times the addict doesn't even garner physical pleasure from said sex act. In fact, it is a mental and emotionally driven addiction. 

To be wanted, to be desired sexually, is a way to be accepted to many people. Especially to borderlines who try and seek validation outside of themselves and please everyone, sex is a way to do just that. In our minds, it's sex that gets the attention, sex that makes us noticed, sex that ultimately can lead to love.  

This symptom obviously can wreak havoc on relationships. A spouse may be able to deal with mood swings, anxiety attacks, insomnia, even lies and suicidal threats, but cheating crosses that line for many people. I completely understand this from the perspective of a non borderline who is cheated on. It hurts, and if you cannot handle it, then that's that. However , love addiction is a symptom, just as anxiety or self mutilation is, so how can you pick this one symptoms and tell us to "control" it?

To a lot of borderlines, external validation drives pretty much every choice. Let me give you an example of how a love addict would react on a given situation. 

-A female borderline is put somewhere when she notices a man checking her out. He is not that attractive to her, and she is in a long term monogomous relationship, but she feels a sudden urge. So she saunters over and Begins flirting. The man obviously is interested and soon the woman feels like she has to have sex with this man to deserve love. To please him, she acts promiscuous and Ends up sleeping with him, thus cheating. The man tells her she is beautiful and easily "gets in her pants ". Afterwards, the woman feels like the relationship is deeper than it is. She feels like she's been validated. She means something. Only after the man turns down further contact or the person she's truly in love with finds out about the affair does the addict realize how wrong it was. 

If a love/sex addict is seeking help and working on improving, there is a huge likelihood that he/she will recover. It will just take time, effort, understanding, and above all else ironically enough, love. 

How to Maintain a Relationship with a Significant Other

Having any sort of relationship is difficult when you have Borderline Personality Disorder, whether it's with a parent, sibling, friend, and especially with romantic relationship. Some people have made claims that it is completely impoaaible to have a long term relationship that is healthy where both parties are happy. This, I can assure you, is 100% inaccurate and just plain wrong.

Before being diagnosed or seeking help, intense and unstable relationships are extremely common. And when a borderline in in the throes of an extreely rough time, yes, I admit, it's hard to maintain a romantic relationship where both the borderline and non borderline feel loved, supported, and happy. This is one of my biggest reasons to get help actually. In the past, my symptoms have created chaotic relationships, however, since I began accepting my issues and working on them, my relationship has only gotten better.

Borderlines can truly make some of the best partners because we are so loving and when we love someone, we will do everything and anything to make that person happy. It is true that we can also be emotionally unstable, agry, impulsive, prone to lying and or promiscuity, etc. However, once we get help, healthy, happy, loving relationships are most definitely possible.

There are some differences bewteen being in a "normal" relationship and being in a relationship with a borderline. However, this is not reason to run away from it. Just as being with a diabetic, cancer patient, sufferer of chronic pain, or any physical illness changes some dynamics of a relationship, a mental illness does too. My theory is the EVERYONE (even seemingly "normal" people) has issues and when you love someone, you support them. As long as the relationship doesn't become abusive or completely unhappy, then continue to try and support each other. Below I'm going to list a few things that both the borderline and non borderline can do in a relationship to raise the chances of being happy and long term.

For the Borderline
-Get help. This is the first step in being able to live any type of routine, healthy, regulated life and most definitely the first step in being able to maintain a relationship.
-Whether you're in intensive outpatient, DBT, etc., have a regular counselor who you can see on a regular basis (at least weekly). This is important because you need someone to talk to aside from your partner.
-Do not make your partner your therapist. Be open and honest with him/her about what you are going through, explain what you're feeling when having an episode, etc. but no not put that pressure on your partner. Trust me, it is unhealthy and in a way almost cruel to the non borderline. It's not his/her job to "make you better". Realize this.
-Let your partner in on your recovery. Hiding your diagnoses or issues is not going to help anyone. In my experience, if you are open with what sypmtoms you deal with, it makes the non borderline more understanding and willing to work with you.
-Make sure that your partner fully knows that your illness is not his/her fault. Yes, he/she CAN do things which would annoy/upset/hurt any "normal" person and warrant an argument or disagreement. I'm not saying that the borderline is always to blame. However, make sure your partner knows that any suicidal ideation, extreme depression, self image issues, etc. is not his/her fault or responsibility.
-Educate the non borderline. Read articles pertaining to your symptoms to him/her, show him/her Youtube videos. Maybe even show the non borderline something personal, such as your journal, so that he/she can clearly see what goes on in your head and how you feel because explaining these things can be really difficult. The more your partner knows about BPD, the more understanding and supportive he/she will be.
-If you feel yourself splitting, take a break. I don't mean a break from the relationship. What I mean is say that you're on the phone with your partner and he/she says something that triggers you to feel angry/hurt/panic/jealousy/etc., cut the conversation short and do not call him/her back until you've gotten control over yourself. You're not always going to be able to do this, especially if you live with the non borerline. But you can go to the bedroom and explain you need an hour alone, you can go for a walk, anything. I reccommend calling a hotline, writing in your journal, calling a friend who also has BPD, or doing a DBT chain link worksheet quickly. I'll put a link at the end of this post for one. Doing this worksheet will help you see why you got to this emotional state and might calm you a bit and help you see clearly.
-Honesty. This is key in any relationship, but even more so in those with borderlines. If you have issues with impulse control, make sure that your partner knows this. If you are a borderline with sex/love addiction, try not to put yourself in situations where this might be triggered. And if the worst happens, tell your partner, no matter how difficult it is.

For the Non Borderline
-Educate yourself. Find out as much as you can about the disorder so that you can understand what your loved one is going through.
-Support the borderline. Show him/her you're proud that he/she is seeking help and following through. Show interest in the skills that are being learned. Be involved a bit.
-Give the borderline validation. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER USE THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS:
1. "You shouldn't feel like this."
2. "You're overreacting."
3. "Stop being such a drama queen."
4. "Just relax, you can control how you feel."
5. "Everyone feels depressed, why do you have to make such a huge deal about it?"
6. "If you just don't fixate on the bad feelings, they'll go away."
Making statements like this will totally invalidate your loved one. And to be honest, if you feel this way then you haven't educated yourself enough. Saying these things to a borderline will make him/her feel (and possibly act) much worse.
-Set boundaries. Just as in any relationships, some boundaries need to be set and kept. Make sure that the boundaries and way you make sure they are kept doesn't make the borderline feel put out or isolated. For example, everyone needs their space and alone time. However this can make a borderline feel like you don't love or care for him/her and bring out the fear of abandonment. When you need time alone or with your family or friends (without your partner), say something like, "You know I love being with you and you're a huge part of my life, but I also need to have some time with my other friends. I'll be with them this Saturday from this time to this time and I'd appreciate it if you could be okay with this. I'll call you when we're done hanging out." Don't say it like this, "I'm going to be with some people for awhile, you need to just deal with it, bye."
-If something you do makes your borderline partner feel insecure or hurt, talk to him/her about it. For example, if you're with a female borderline and she starts crying and having an episode because you have a female friend she feels insecure or jealous about, don't get angry at her. Sit her down and explain the relationship. You may be thinking "I don't need to tell her every little thing, she is just trying to be controlling, etc." but this is not the truth. The more details a borderline knows the more comfortable he/she will be. Say something like, "Me and so and so are honestly just friends. She's never acted flirty with me, and neither of us like each other like that. We don't see each other or talk all that often, and there really is no reason to be insecure about her because YOU are the woman I love. She doesn't come close to what our relationship is, but she is my friend and I'd really be upset if you couldn't accept that. So what boundaries would I need to have with her for you to feel comfortable?"
-Show the borderline that you love him/her. When you're with him/her make it worthwhile, especially if you live apart. And when you can't see each other, especially if it's for days or weeks on end, understand that the person dealing with BPD has a hard time connecting and feeling loved when you're not right there, and so help him/her feel comfortable by texting a few times a day or calling every night and maybe on a lunch break. You don't need to call ten times a day and text constantly, just make sure that he/she knows you love and are thinking about him/her periodically.

If you take some of these pointers and use them, a healthy relationship where both parties feel supported, loved, cared for, and happy is more than possible. Above all, understanding, education, and compassion is needed.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a cluster B personality disorder marked by impulsivity, instability, mood swings, dissociation, identity and self image issues, and intense/unstable interpersonal relationships. Symptoms normally begin in the late teenage years or early adulthood. Recently, BPD has also been referred to as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Women most often suffer from this disorder, though there are also males diagnosed. In the past year, the diagnostic criteria has changed slightly and is listed below.

At least three of the following must be present, one of which must be number 2:
1. marked tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of consequences
2. marked tendency to engage in quarrelsome bahavior, especially when impulsivity is criticized
3. liability to outburts of anger or violence, with inability to control resulting behavioral explosions
4. difficulty in maintaining any course of action which offers no immediate reward
5. unstabl and capricious (impulsive, whimsical) mood

At least two of the following as well:
1. disturbances in and uncertainty about self image, aims, and internal prefrances
2. liability to become involved in intense and unstable relationships, often leading to emotional crisis
3. excessive efforts to avoid abandonment
4. recurrant acts or threats of self harm
5. chronic feelings of emptiness
6. demonstartaes impulsive bahavior (i.e. shopping, substance abuse, shoplifting, gambling, promiscuity, etc.)

Those with BPD have a much higher chance of also having comorbid (co-occuring) disorders. The most common are:
-mood disorders (including bipolar disorder)
-anxiety disorders (including panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder)
-other personality disorders
-eating disorders
-attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
-somataform disorders
-dissociative disorders

Suicidal ideataion, threats, or attempts are very common among borderlines, particularly before therapy has been started. The suicide success rate of people suffereing with BPD is 10%-20%. If the borderline sets down the road to recovery, this symptom can be overcome.

Emotional dysregulation is at the core of BPD. We feel emotions much more intensely and over smaller triggers. Marsha Linehan (a specialist in BPD and DBT-a type of therapy) believes that the emotions of borderlines can be both a positive and a negative. We are overly joyful, loving, and idealistic and can make the most wonderful spouses, parents, and friends. The negative emtions are also present however; we might feel extreme depression instead of saddness, shame or humiliation istead of embarrassment, rage instead of frustration, and complete panic instead of nervousness. If a borderline feels rejected, lonely, or criticized, these negative emotions can be much more extreme or last a prolonged persiod of time. Many people suffereing with BPD cannot control or regulate their own emotions and so in a way shut them down completely, which is an extremely harmful thing to do because self injury, suicide, eating disorders, etc. typically come about in these times.

On top of the intense emotions, there is also emotion lability, or changeability. Basically this means that mood swings happening very quickly for reasons outsiders may not understand can occur quickly and seemingly without a real substantial trigger. At times these swings can be from joy to depression, but more often they go between feelings of depression, anxiety, and anger.

It's difficult for a non borderline to really comprehend the lack of control that borderlines have when it comes to their emotions. It is not as easy as "faking it" or "just focusing on the good". If it were, trust me, we'd all do it. The emotions are truly out of our control, at least until we get started on the road to revoery and learn new skills.

Feelings of emptiness and loneliness are also extremely common in those with BPD. This has a lot to do with the identity problems and confusion that borderlines suffer with. Many of us truly don't know who we are, in pretty much every way possible. Sexual identity, political opinions, religous views, morals and ethics, etc. At the core of our being many of us just feel these complete hollowness and thus many times end up sort of searching for a savior to cling on to, whether it be a relationship/person, a cause, a religion, etc.

The chameleon is what many of us call our ability to sort of morph into different versions of ourselves depending on the people or situations we are in. To some, this is seen as lying or manipulation, but this really is so far from the truth. We do not do this intentionally. It is  subconcious thing that just sort of happens without us even realizing it. Most borderlines are extremely good judges of character or personality in other people, and its common for a borderline to only know someone for a few moments and then be able to change his/her opinions, mannerisms, patterns of speech, etc. in a way which would make the other person like him/her more or feel more comfortable.

Fear of abandomnet is also something that many people who suffer with BPD experience. Part of this is lack of object constancy; basically when we are not in direct contact with a loved one, our brains find it difficult or impossible to conjure up memories which make us 'feel the love'. "Normal" people can remember the feelings of being loved or cared for when they are lonely or insecure, but for a borderline, if we aren't with the person or in constant contact with the person, it's difficult to feel any real connection. This leads many of us to come off as 'clingy' or 'insecure'. With treatment, this can get better and these syptoms can go away completely.

Another huge part of BPD is splitting, which I have an entire post about already so I won't go into too many details. Basically, splitting is "black and white" or "all or nothing" patterns of thinking. It is extremely hard for us to see the big picture, a person or situation as a whole...we pretty much always are either devauling or idealizing. Meeting in the middle takes therapy and self exploration and work, but can be accomplished.

Not all, but some borderlines also experience dissociation; a seperation between self and emotions or physical experiences. Dissociation has happened to me but is not one of the most common symptoms that I struggle with. It really is the strangest thing to explain to someone who's never experienced it. From an onlooker, it may look like the person dissociating is in a sort of catatonic state, and just really "out of it". When I've been like this, I don't feel a part of the world, if that makes sense. I don't really feel the touches of people, I don't feel emotions fully, I don't think. It's actually really scary, and can create some pretty serious memory problems.

These are the most common symptoms of BPD, along with the diagnostic criteria. Everyone is different and there are many other symptoms that borderlines have to deal with. Before being diagnosed and seeking help, it may seem like there is no help for a borderline and that he/she will never be able to live a "normal" or functional life; nothing can be further from the truth. With intensive therapy, self work, counseling, and medications, BPD can be managed very well, and total recovery can occur. So don't give up on the borderline in your life, instead support him/her.

Anti-BPD/Mental Health

Recently I've run into a lot, and I mean A LOT of videos on Youtube totally making borderlines out to be horrible people. I've seen comments saying that we are incapable of real love or empathy, we're psychopaths who need to be locked up for everyone's safety, that every borderline cheats on his/her partner, that you need to stay away from us and 'save yourselves', that you need to be scared to sleep in the same house because we might hurt you, that we're intentionally manipulative constantly, that we are weak people who need to get attention, that everyone gets upset and we just exaggerate, etc.

I try and write as cleanly as possible because I want this blog to be a positive and informative place. But quite frankly, this crap is pissing me off in a huge way.

I'll admit, some people with Borderline Personality Disorder who are not in treatment (or maybe haven't even been diagnosed yet) can have some traits that make them seem mean, he/she might cheat or lie, etc. But we are not all like that. Especially if we've been diagnosed, accept it, and seek out therapy and really work on ourselves. Just to set the record straight through on some of what uneducated people think, I'm going to list a few things here:

1. We are more than capable of love. Borderlines can actually be some of the most loving people you'll ever meet. Many of us have love addictions. This statement is just 100% ridiculous.
2. We are not psychopaths, sociopaths, or 'crazy'. We have a conscience (a very prominant one in fact), we FEEL...in fact that's our main issue, we feel too much. Once again, ridiculous statement.
3. Although some borderlines can become angry and sometimes violent, it's not in a premeditated fashion. Usually it is 'in the heat of the moment' during an episode. And I've actually never known a borderline to seriously injure someone (not saying it never happened, just the friends I have).
4. We do not manipulate. There is the 'chameleon factor', this I'll admit. We can and often do change depending on who we are with, picking up on what would make this person like us more or approve of us. This is the thing though, we don't change to manipulate people and get our way, we do it to be liked. Two very, very different things. Also, tis is an extremely subconsious thing we do and often times we don't realize it at all.
5. It is totally possible to be in a relationship with a borderline. I am in a commited relationship with an amazing man I love very much, and we're both happy. My best friend also has BPD and has a wonderful long term relationship as well. It really is the same with any health issue, whether mental or physical. If you were dating a person with diabetes who was insulin dependant but refused to take it...then yeah of course you might not want to stay with the person because he/she isn't doing what they need to do to be healthy. It's the same with BPD. If we're not trying to get better, then go if you're unhappy. But most borderlines who face it and reach recovery (or even if not in full recovery, such as myself) can have very loving, happy, supportive, healthy relationships. Problems will arise, emotions will probably get in the way here and there, and the non borderline will have to educate him/herself and decide what he/she is comfortable dealing with. This is the same as if the person had cancer, chronic pain, heart problems, anxiety, etc. If you love the person and he/she is gettig better and you clearly see this, there is no reason to think you should leave the relationship just because of the BPD.
6. We are not trying to get attention. We do not fake this. Trust me, if you only knew how much I wish this to be true, but it simply isn't. You know how I can show this, 100% gauranteed? When we are with people we're normally happy, ecstatic at times. It's when we're alone, and bored, and have that empty feeling that we get the most upset. And no one is watching then, so how the hell is that for attention?
7. We are not weak. Telling us to "suck it up, everyone gets upset and you can calm yourself like the rest of us, there's no reason to feel that bad about this small of a thing, just relax, stop being so weak, etc." is not helping matters whatsoever, and quite often will make them much, much, much WORSE. These statements are completely invalidating and ignorant. We cannot control our emotions any more than someone with heart issues can control how the arteries and valves work in his/her body. Yes, taking certain meds and making lifestyle changes can help immensely, but you can't fix it with willpower. I think most borderlines have tried this at some point, and usually it just makes us feel worse and act more emotional and upset. This turmoil inside of us is extremely painful and trust me, if we could turn it off, we without a doubt would. Imagine the pain you would feel if every loved one you had died an unexpacted horrible death at the same time. Would't you be crushed? Angry? Depressed? Lonely? Hou would you feel if someone told you to 'suck it up, no big deal, you shouldn't feel this way'?
8. Lastly, there were a few people who acted totally victimized by a borderline. People who made it seem like we make life total hell for everyone around us as we sit back laughing about it. I completely understand and am aware of the fact that SOME borderlines can be abusive at times, emotionally or physically. There is no excuse for it. So can a bipolar, so can a completely healthy person. Not all of us are like this. But quite honestly acting like a victim when WE are the ones going through this battle, we are the ones feeling this pain, is not only infuriating, it just shows how little you understand the disorder.

I will not be writing about these negative, ignorant people again because like I said, I want this to be a place you can find support, information, and hope not hate. I just couldn't let this go. Please don't listen to these people, all they're doing is spreading hatred, ignorance, and creating a stigma which so many of us are trying to eliminate with education.

How to Set Goals and FOLLOW THROUGH with BPD

Many people, especially teens and young adults, find it difficult to set a goal, stick to it, and actually follow through to completion. For those of us with BPD, this struggle is magnified ten fold (at least!). I've discussed splitting and "all or nothing" thinking patterns and this has a huge part in why reaching goals becomes nearly impossible unless they are very short term.

Immediate gratification is what us borderlines are usually after in pretty much all situations. Looking at the 'big picture' and having to put in work over a long period of time with no short term rewards is really hard...seemingly totally impossible. Because of idealization and what some call, 'the chameleon effect' a certain thing will peak my interest. Whether it is a person, a major to study in school, a new diet, a religion, etc. I will totally immerse myself in this new thing. Sometimes it can be negative because I may have no real interest in this new thing, or maybe it is something that could be harmful. Other times I may become obsessed with something healthy, such as recovery. Here is an example of the normal course of events when a borderline sets a goal (I'm using myself and recovery as the example):
1. For whatever reason I decide to that I want to really put my whole self into recovery. I spend hours every day watching Youtube videos made by peers, I read blog after blog, visit website after website, set up tons of appointments with counselors, etc. I take notes on mindfulness, record feelings and thought processes in a journal, I do everything I should be doing and more.
2. My goal that I set for myself is to get to the point of actual recovery (which is when I no longer totally fit the diagnosis for BPD), and for days, weeks, maybe even months, I work on this.
3. Either I make a mistake (missing an appointment, having a emotional breakdown, etc.), or I have some small bad experience in group (someone calling me out on a bad behavior or maybe a debate with a peer), or maybe I just don't yet see results and so get frustrated. I will get angry that I'm not getting anywhere, I'll feel like this is useless, and so I'll find something else that I'm really interested in and want to immerse myself in.
4. At this time I simply 'drop' the plan. I turn on a time, basically acting like all that work never happened, and I get into whatever new cause I chose. At the end, the goal is never met.
THIS IS JUST ONE EXAMPLE. PERSONALLY I'VE DONE THIS WITH LITERALLY EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE AND RARELY HAVE MET A GOAL.
After years of doing this I realized that I'd never once followed through on...anything. Not on a relationship, a religion, an exercise routine, a study plan, education, NOTHING. And I became distressed by this, after all how could I ever hope to succeed in any way in life if I never reach even ONE goal?

After much research into goal setting in relation to borderlines, speaking to counselors, peers, etc. I've begun to learn how to get to the end of a goal I set for myself. There are some tricks to it that are key because obviously just setting the goal doesn't work. I'm going to share what has helped me personally and also what has helped some of my friends and acquaintances who also have BPD.

1. Figure out WHY you want this. Is it because someone is trying to force it on you or you feel pressured or like you have to do it to be accepted? Is it because a counselor or physician recommended it? Is it because a new friend or boyfriend is doing the same thing? Is it because YOU personally (I mean the REAL YOU) thinks it is important? The first thing you have to do is answer this question; if it isn't something that YOU (or maybe a doctor/counselor) really want for yourself then don't even bother. As soon as you start splitting and devaluing the person who gave you the idea for this goal, it will be tossed aside.
2. Actually set the goal. make sure it is clear and REALISTIC.

-BAD EXAMPLE: "I will be a psychologist in two years."
-GOOD EXAMPLE: "I will major in psychology and attain my Master's Degree in 6 years."

-BAD EXAMPLE: "I will dance for ten hours a day and be a professional within two months."
-GOOD EXAMPLE: "I will dance for 2-3 hours, 5 days a week, and get in touch with some dance companies in a year to see if I am skilled enough to start with them."

-BAD EXAMPLE: "I will be totally cured of BPD in a month if I do therapy, groups, research, and personal work for 12 hours a day."
-GOOD EXAMPLE: "I will be in recovery from BPD in a year if I stick to weekly counseling, groups, and practice DBT skills in every day life."

-BAD EXAMPLE: "I'll start a Youtube channel and be famous and rich in a month with 10,000 subscribers."
-GOOD EXAMPLE: "I'll start a Youtube channel, begin networking and advertising; my goal is to have 5,000 subscribers in a year."
3. Find ways that you can break down your goal into multiple smaller goals. If your goal is to have 5,000 Youtube subscribers for example, you could break it down like this:
-Film 3 videos a week.
-Build a Facebook page and update the status/posts at least every other day.
-Promote/advertise on the internet for you vlog for an hour, five days a week.
-Get 100 new subscribers a week.
Using these smaller goals, you can easily reach them which will give you some pretty immediate gratification and keep you from getting off track.
4. Find small rewards for every time a goal is reached. Keeping with the above example:
-After every video you film, have one of your favorite treats.
-After every 100 subscribers, buy yourself something small you've wanted for awhile.
-After every 1,000 subscribers, have a party or spend the weekend at the spa.
5. Keep yourself motivated in other ways. Make a list of all the reasons this goal is important to YOU. Put the list somewhere you can see it often or easily find it and read it if you feel yourself wanting to give up.
6. Let people in your life know what your goal is. This way they can support you (maybe even help you, depending on your situation); not to mention when people know what you want to achieve you feel pushed and are more likely to get to where you want to be.
7. When you reach your goal, BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. It was NOT EASY, BUT YOU DID IT. Reward yourself with the biggest reward yet. Now that you've seen you could do what you set out to do once, you'll be more likely to stick to your goals in the future.

The Importance of Using Diary Cards, Journals, Vlogs, etc.

Keeping a record of your life and road to health can be extremely beneficial to your healing, and also a testament to how far you've come once you're in recovery. There are tons of ways you can do this. 

The first is using diary cards (I'll put a link to an example at the bottom of this post) which are usually seen in inpatient health centers but can be used whenever you like. This sort of record is really good for the people who find it difficult to explain feelings in writing or don't feel comfortable being public on a vlog or blog. Oftentimes when in outpatient or private therapy, therapists will offer these cards to you and ask you to bring them in at your next session. 

The second way to keep a record is the obvious one, journaling. I've used a journal for as long as I can remember and have always found them helpful, not to mention it's almost fun to read my old ones from years ago. There is no right or wrong way to keep a journal. You can keep it on the computer and type out whatever you like, you can use an old $2 notebook, or you can buy an expensive diary from somewhere like Barnes and Noble. 

A blog (like this one) is another great way to keep a record. This can be a bit different though because you (probably) don't want the whole world knowing every personal thing that you'd normally have no problem writing in your journal, but it can still be a great tool for yourself and in the process you might even help someone else. 

A vlog (such as a Youtube channel) is another option for keeping track of things. Once again it is public so you may want to exercise a bit of discretion, but as with blogging, you might just help some other people with your story and knowledge. 

Whatever method you decide upon, try to get used to recording SOMETHING every single day, even if its just a sentence or a few numbers. I use a scale from 1 to 10 (1 besting worst, 5 being neutral or average, and 10 being best) to rate both my physical and emotional level of the day. This was you can look back over your numbers to find out things you otherwise might not see (i.e. days when you're with your family you are more stressed, the first week of a new medication you felt sick, the week when the weather was beautiful you were in a positive frame of mind, etc.) You can also record your meds, how different counseling sessions go, big life events, daily tasks and to do lists, it goes on and on. If you're ever for a loss for what to write, there are thousands of prompts that can easily be found on Google. 

DIARY CARD EXAMPLES/TEMPLATES

1. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/diary_card_1.html

2. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/diary_card_2.html

3. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/diary_card_4.html