Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance is a concept that quite honestly I had a hard time understanding and ironically, accepting. I will discuss my opinions and thoughts on this DBT skill in a moment, but first i want to explain it to those of you who might not have heard of radical acceptance before.

In short, radical acceptance is accepting reality for what it is. Accept your situation, who you are as a person, who your family and friends are, what's happened to you in the past, etc. Everything. 

The concept is based on the premise that denial really won't get you anywhere. Fighting the past is totally pointless as past is past and therefore can't be changed, no matter how hard you want. The past was probably unfair, cruel, and to be honest, shitty at one point or another. And bluntly, you just have to learn to deal with it. 

A huge part of radical acceptance is willingness versus willfulness. I will define each:

Willingness-Doing exactly what is needed, and just what is needed. Focus on effectiveness and listen to your wise mind, doing what you KNOW is right and not what you FEEL is right. Be aware of where and who you really are, not where you feel you are or who you feel you are.

Willfulness-Refusing to make changes that are necessary. Giving up. Doing the opposite of what works, therefore not being effective. 

There really are only two steps to radically accepting. The first is to "turn the mind"; basically choosing to accept instead of reject reality. Turning the mind is making an inner, deep commitment to accept. This must be practiced, again and again, over and over, in every aspect of your life. The second step is to choose willingness over willfulness.

When you are not embracing radical acceptance, pain and suffering will always be there because you're fighting reality. Anger tends to build up in those of us who do this and many of us end up lashing out, which is definitely not helpful and can cause significant issues. Over analyzing and obsessing over what is will not help whatsoever; you have to acknowledge the past, present, everything without criticism or judgement.  

Now, as I said, I have the hardest time with this whole concept. First for the same reason many people claim this is the most difficult DBT skill to master; accept EVERYTHING without judgement or criticism and don't try and change it?! I thought unless you're a damn monk it must be near impossible. Secondlt because this whole acceptance thing confused me. Does it mean you have to accept your bad situation without changing it? If your spouse does something to hurt you, do you say, "Oh, okay. I accept it, I won't change you. I'll live with it."? Or if you're an addict, do you say, "I'm addicted to drugs, it's how it is. I'll accept this without trying to change anything."? This was my dilemma, and I'm still working on wrapping my mind around it to be honest. But here's the way I'm seeing it now:

I have to change my attitude in order to move on. Dwelling on what's happened to me, what my flaws are, what upsets me, is not going to help me one bit. And denying these things is equally as harmful. I have to just say, "Yeah, that happened. It sucked. Now what to do about it and move on." Also, I cannot change or control anything but myself. And even bigger, it isn't my job or responsibility to do so. I can't try and force someone to do/feel/say/think what I want. If a person does something harmful to me, i can leave the situation, but I can't change the person. If I have a thought such as, "I'm so damaged and dirty because of my past that no one will ever love me.", using radical acceptance I would think, "Okay, yes I was abused, and it had an effect on me. Move past the thought. I have people who love me." 

My girlfriend (who also had BPD) and I were just discussing this concept earlier today and we boiled it down to a pretty blatant statement:

"Stop being angry about the shit causing you suffering because it won't change a goddamn thing. The past fucking sucks, it hurt, but get up and just deal with it. Freaking about it all the time isn't going to help at all. You can't be a control freak about everything because then when you don't get what you want, it makes you lash out. Just go with the flow, work on yourself, see what really is, and be logical."

Love addiction...is it real?

What is an addiction? The basic definition of an addiction is doing something over and over that brings little to no positives to your life and quite often causes significant issues, yet you continue to do it. 

Love is the emotion which makes us human. It is what so many of us seek in life, it is what we live for, what we die for. Without love; loving and being loved, what is the point of life?

Combine these two things, and yes, love addiction is a very REAL thing. Especially with women, and especially with people who have mental health issues.

Most love addicts are not even aware that they are in fact, addicted to love. And many don't really love this person they are convinced that they are in love with! (Though this is debatable.) It isn't necessarily a relationship that love addicts seek, it is the feelings that come with being loved. The support, affection, maybe even obsession. 

Many people with borderline personality disorder experience love addiction at some point. I know that I have. It is very difficult to know whether what you feel is real or not until the relationship ends because when you're in it, you are in "love". Now, the way I know I didn't love all those other people is because the moment they were not in my life anymore, I didn't care. Maybe it sounds cold, but it's true. Maybe I felt a but lonely or angry, but never that gut wrenching feeling of loss that comes with true heartbreak. 

Sex addictions is part of love addiction, though some specialists think they're two different entities. I believe that in most cases, sex addiction is a dangerous combination of poor impulse control and love addiction.

Being a sex addict, especially for a woman, is extremely embarrassing in our culture. A lot of female borderlines become known as "whores" or "easy" because of this problem, which only makes the addiction itself worse. 

To many people sex addiction is NOT about sex at all. In fact many times the addict doesn't even garner physical pleasure from said sex act. In fact, it is a mental and emotionally driven addiction. 

To be wanted, to be desired sexually, is a way to be accepted to many people. Especially to borderlines who try and seek validation outside of themselves and please everyone, sex is a way to do just that. In our minds, it's sex that gets the attention, sex that makes us noticed, sex that ultimately can lead to love.  

This symptom obviously can wreak havoc on relationships. A spouse may be able to deal with mood swings, anxiety attacks, insomnia, even lies and suicidal threats, but cheating crosses that line for many people. I completely understand this from the perspective of a non borderline who is cheated on. It hurts, and if you cannot handle it, then that's that. However , love addiction is a symptom, just as anxiety or self mutilation is, so how can you pick this one symptoms and tell us to "control" it?

To a lot of borderlines, external validation drives pretty much every choice. Let me give you an example of how a love addict would react on a given situation. 

-A female borderline is put somewhere when she notices a man checking her out. He is not that attractive to her, and she is in a long term monogomous relationship, but she feels a sudden urge. So she saunters over and Begins flirting. The man obviously is interested and soon the woman feels like she has to have sex with this man to deserve love. To please him, she acts promiscuous and Ends up sleeping with him, thus cheating. The man tells her she is beautiful and easily "gets in her pants ". Afterwards, the woman feels like the relationship is deeper than it is. She feels like she's been validated. She means something. Only after the man turns down further contact or the person she's truly in love with finds out about the affair does the addict realize how wrong it was. 

If a love/sex addict is seeking help and working on improving, there is a huge likelihood that he/she will recover. It will just take time, effort, understanding, and above all else ironically enough, love. 

How to Maintain a Relationship with a Significant Other

Having any sort of relationship is difficult when you have Borderline Personality Disorder, whether it's with a parent, sibling, friend, and especially with romantic relationship. Some people have made claims that it is completely impoaaible to have a long term relationship that is healthy where both parties are happy. This, I can assure you, is 100% inaccurate and just plain wrong.

Before being diagnosed or seeking help, intense and unstable relationships are extremely common. And when a borderline in in the throes of an extreely rough time, yes, I admit, it's hard to maintain a romantic relationship where both the borderline and non borderline feel loved, supported, and happy. This is one of my biggest reasons to get help actually. In the past, my symptoms have created chaotic relationships, however, since I began accepting my issues and working on them, my relationship has only gotten better.

Borderlines can truly make some of the best partners because we are so loving and when we love someone, we will do everything and anything to make that person happy. It is true that we can also be emotionally unstable, agry, impulsive, prone to lying and or promiscuity, etc. However, once we get help, healthy, happy, loving relationships are most definitely possible.

There are some differences bewteen being in a "normal" relationship and being in a relationship with a borderline. However, this is not reason to run away from it. Just as being with a diabetic, cancer patient, sufferer of chronic pain, or any physical illness changes some dynamics of a relationship, a mental illness does too. My theory is the EVERYONE (even seemingly "normal" people) has issues and when you love someone, you support them. As long as the relationship doesn't become abusive or completely unhappy, then continue to try and support each other. Below I'm going to list a few things that both the borderline and non borderline can do in a relationship to raise the chances of being happy and long term.

For the Borderline
-Get help. This is the first step in being able to live any type of routine, healthy, regulated life and most definitely the first step in being able to maintain a relationship.
-Whether you're in intensive outpatient, DBT, etc., have a regular counselor who you can see on a regular basis (at least weekly). This is important because you need someone to talk to aside from your partner.
-Do not make your partner your therapist. Be open and honest with him/her about what you are going through, explain what you're feeling when having an episode, etc. but no not put that pressure on your partner. Trust me, it is unhealthy and in a way almost cruel to the non borderline. It's not his/her job to "make you better". Realize this.
-Let your partner in on your recovery. Hiding your diagnoses or issues is not going to help anyone. In my experience, if you are open with what sypmtoms you deal with, it makes the non borderline more understanding and willing to work with you.
-Make sure that your partner fully knows that your illness is not his/her fault. Yes, he/she CAN do things which would annoy/upset/hurt any "normal" person and warrant an argument or disagreement. I'm not saying that the borderline is always to blame. However, make sure your partner knows that any suicidal ideation, extreme depression, self image issues, etc. is not his/her fault or responsibility.
-Educate the non borderline. Read articles pertaining to your symptoms to him/her, show him/her Youtube videos. Maybe even show the non borderline something personal, such as your journal, so that he/she can clearly see what goes on in your head and how you feel because explaining these things can be really difficult. The more your partner knows about BPD, the more understanding and supportive he/she will be.
-If you feel yourself splitting, take a break. I don't mean a break from the relationship. What I mean is say that you're on the phone with your partner and he/she says something that triggers you to feel angry/hurt/panic/jealousy/etc., cut the conversation short and do not call him/her back until you've gotten control over yourself. You're not always going to be able to do this, especially if you live with the non borerline. But you can go to the bedroom and explain you need an hour alone, you can go for a walk, anything. I reccommend calling a hotline, writing in your journal, calling a friend who also has BPD, or doing a DBT chain link worksheet quickly. I'll put a link at the end of this post for one. Doing this worksheet will help you see why you got to this emotional state and might calm you a bit and help you see clearly.
-Honesty. This is key in any relationship, but even more so in those with borderlines. If you have issues with impulse control, make sure that your partner knows this. If you are a borderline with sex/love addiction, try not to put yourself in situations where this might be triggered. And if the worst happens, tell your partner, no matter how difficult it is.

For the Non Borderline
-Educate yourself. Find out as much as you can about the disorder so that you can understand what your loved one is going through.
-Support the borderline. Show him/her you're proud that he/she is seeking help and following through. Show interest in the skills that are being learned. Be involved a bit.
-Give the borderline validation. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER USE THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS:
1. "You shouldn't feel like this."
2. "You're overreacting."
3. "Stop being such a drama queen."
4. "Just relax, you can control how you feel."
5. "Everyone feels depressed, why do you have to make such a huge deal about it?"
6. "If you just don't fixate on the bad feelings, they'll go away."
Making statements like this will totally invalidate your loved one. And to be honest, if you feel this way then you haven't educated yourself enough. Saying these things to a borderline will make him/her feel (and possibly act) much worse.
-Set boundaries. Just as in any relationships, some boundaries need to be set and kept. Make sure that the boundaries and way you make sure they are kept doesn't make the borderline feel put out or isolated. For example, everyone needs their space and alone time. However this can make a borderline feel like you don't love or care for him/her and bring out the fear of abandonment. When you need time alone or with your family or friends (without your partner), say something like, "You know I love being with you and you're a huge part of my life, but I also need to have some time with my other friends. I'll be with them this Saturday from this time to this time and I'd appreciate it if you could be okay with this. I'll call you when we're done hanging out." Don't say it like this, "I'm going to be with some people for awhile, you need to just deal with it, bye."
-If something you do makes your borderline partner feel insecure or hurt, talk to him/her about it. For example, if you're with a female borderline and she starts crying and having an episode because you have a female friend she feels insecure or jealous about, don't get angry at her. Sit her down and explain the relationship. You may be thinking "I don't need to tell her every little thing, she is just trying to be controlling, etc." but this is not the truth. The more details a borderline knows the more comfortable he/she will be. Say something like, "Me and so and so are honestly just friends. She's never acted flirty with me, and neither of us like each other like that. We don't see each other or talk all that often, and there really is no reason to be insecure about her because YOU are the woman I love. She doesn't come close to what our relationship is, but she is my friend and I'd really be upset if you couldn't accept that. So what boundaries would I need to have with her for you to feel comfortable?"
-Show the borderline that you love him/her. When you're with him/her make it worthwhile, especially if you live apart. And when you can't see each other, especially if it's for days or weeks on end, understand that the person dealing with BPD has a hard time connecting and feeling loved when you're not right there, and so help him/her feel comfortable by texting a few times a day or calling every night and maybe on a lunch break. You don't need to call ten times a day and text constantly, just make sure that he/she knows you love and are thinking about him/her periodically.

If you take some of these pointers and use them, a healthy relationship where both parties feel supported, loved, cared for, and happy is more than possible. Above all, understanding, education, and compassion is needed.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a cluster B personality disorder marked by impulsivity, instability, mood swings, dissociation, identity and self image issues, and intense/unstable interpersonal relationships. Symptoms normally begin in the late teenage years or early adulthood. Recently, BPD has also been referred to as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Women most often suffer from this disorder, though there are also males diagnosed. In the past year, the diagnostic criteria has changed slightly and is listed below.

At least three of the following must be present, one of which must be number 2:
1. marked tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of consequences
2. marked tendency to engage in quarrelsome bahavior, especially when impulsivity is criticized
3. liability to outburts of anger or violence, with inability to control resulting behavioral explosions
4. difficulty in maintaining any course of action which offers no immediate reward
5. unstabl and capricious (impulsive, whimsical) mood

At least two of the following as well:
1. disturbances in and uncertainty about self image, aims, and internal prefrances
2. liability to become involved in intense and unstable relationships, often leading to emotional crisis
3. excessive efforts to avoid abandonment
4. recurrant acts or threats of self harm
5. chronic feelings of emptiness
6. demonstartaes impulsive bahavior (i.e. shopping, substance abuse, shoplifting, gambling, promiscuity, etc.)

Those with BPD have a much higher chance of also having comorbid (co-occuring) disorders. The most common are:
-mood disorders (including bipolar disorder)
-anxiety disorders (including panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder)
-other personality disorders
-eating disorders
-attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
-somataform disorders
-dissociative disorders

Suicidal ideataion, threats, or attempts are very common among borderlines, particularly before therapy has been started. The suicide success rate of people suffereing with BPD is 10%-20%. If the borderline sets down the road to recovery, this symptom can be overcome.

Emotional dysregulation is at the core of BPD. We feel emotions much more intensely and over smaller triggers. Marsha Linehan (a specialist in BPD and DBT-a type of therapy) believes that the emotions of borderlines can be both a positive and a negative. We are overly joyful, loving, and idealistic and can make the most wonderful spouses, parents, and friends. The negative emtions are also present however; we might feel extreme depression instead of saddness, shame or humiliation istead of embarrassment, rage instead of frustration, and complete panic instead of nervousness. If a borderline feels rejected, lonely, or criticized, these negative emotions can be much more extreme or last a prolonged persiod of time. Many people suffereing with BPD cannot control or regulate their own emotions and so in a way shut them down completely, which is an extremely harmful thing to do because self injury, suicide, eating disorders, etc. typically come about in these times.

On top of the intense emotions, there is also emotion lability, or changeability. Basically this means that mood swings happening very quickly for reasons outsiders may not understand can occur quickly and seemingly without a real substantial trigger. At times these swings can be from joy to depression, but more often they go between feelings of depression, anxiety, and anger.

It's difficult for a non borderline to really comprehend the lack of control that borderlines have when it comes to their emotions. It is not as easy as "faking it" or "just focusing on the good". If it were, trust me, we'd all do it. The emotions are truly out of our control, at least until we get started on the road to revoery and learn new skills.

Feelings of emptiness and loneliness are also extremely common in those with BPD. This has a lot to do with the identity problems and confusion that borderlines suffer with. Many of us truly don't know who we are, in pretty much every way possible. Sexual identity, political opinions, religous views, morals and ethics, etc. At the core of our being many of us just feel these complete hollowness and thus many times end up sort of searching for a savior to cling on to, whether it be a relationship/person, a cause, a religion, etc.

The chameleon is what many of us call our ability to sort of morph into different versions of ourselves depending on the people or situations we are in. To some, this is seen as lying or manipulation, but this really is so far from the truth. We do not do this intentionally. It is  subconcious thing that just sort of happens without us even realizing it. Most borderlines are extremely good judges of character or personality in other people, and its common for a borderline to only know someone for a few moments and then be able to change his/her opinions, mannerisms, patterns of speech, etc. in a way which would make the other person like him/her more or feel more comfortable.

Fear of abandomnet is also something that many people who suffer with BPD experience. Part of this is lack of object constancy; basically when we are not in direct contact with a loved one, our brains find it difficult or impossible to conjure up memories which make us 'feel the love'. "Normal" people can remember the feelings of being loved or cared for when they are lonely or insecure, but for a borderline, if we aren't with the person or in constant contact with the person, it's difficult to feel any real connection. This leads many of us to come off as 'clingy' or 'insecure'. With treatment, this can get better and these syptoms can go away completely.

Another huge part of BPD is splitting, which I have an entire post about already so I won't go into too many details. Basically, splitting is "black and white" or "all or nothing" patterns of thinking. It is extremely hard for us to see the big picture, a person or situation as a whole...we pretty much always are either devauling or idealizing. Meeting in the middle takes therapy and self exploration and work, but can be accomplished.

Not all, but some borderlines also experience dissociation; a seperation between self and emotions or physical experiences. Dissociation has happened to me but is not one of the most common symptoms that I struggle with. It really is the strangest thing to explain to someone who's never experienced it. From an onlooker, it may look like the person dissociating is in a sort of catatonic state, and just really "out of it". When I've been like this, I don't feel a part of the world, if that makes sense. I don't really feel the touches of people, I don't feel emotions fully, I don't think. It's actually really scary, and can create some pretty serious memory problems.

These are the most common symptoms of BPD, along with the diagnostic criteria. Everyone is different and there are many other symptoms that borderlines have to deal with. Before being diagnosed and seeking help, it may seem like there is no help for a borderline and that he/she will never be able to live a "normal" or functional life; nothing can be further from the truth. With intensive therapy, self work, counseling, and medications, BPD can be managed very well, and total recovery can occur. So don't give up on the borderline in your life, instead support him/her.

Anti-BPD/Mental Health

Recently I've run into a lot, and I mean A LOT of videos on Youtube totally making borderlines out to be horrible people. I've seen comments saying that we are incapable of real love or empathy, we're psychopaths who need to be locked up for everyone's safety, that every borderline cheats on his/her partner, that you need to stay away from us and 'save yourselves', that you need to be scared to sleep in the same house because we might hurt you, that we're intentionally manipulative constantly, that we are weak people who need to get attention, that everyone gets upset and we just exaggerate, etc.

I try and write as cleanly as possible because I want this blog to be a positive and informative place. But quite frankly, this crap is pissing me off in a huge way.

I'll admit, some people with Borderline Personality Disorder who are not in treatment (or maybe haven't even been diagnosed yet) can have some traits that make them seem mean, he/she might cheat or lie, etc. But we are not all like that. Especially if we've been diagnosed, accept it, and seek out therapy and really work on ourselves. Just to set the record straight through on some of what uneducated people think, I'm going to list a few things here:

1. We are more than capable of love. Borderlines can actually be some of the most loving people you'll ever meet. Many of us have love addictions. This statement is just 100% ridiculous.
2. We are not psychopaths, sociopaths, or 'crazy'. We have a conscience (a very prominant one in fact), we FEEL...in fact that's our main issue, we feel too much. Once again, ridiculous statement.
3. Although some borderlines can become angry and sometimes violent, it's not in a premeditated fashion. Usually it is 'in the heat of the moment' during an episode. And I've actually never known a borderline to seriously injure someone (not saying it never happened, just the friends I have).
4. We do not manipulate. There is the 'chameleon factor', this I'll admit. We can and often do change depending on who we are with, picking up on what would make this person like us more or approve of us. This is the thing though, we don't change to manipulate people and get our way, we do it to be liked. Two very, very different things. Also, tis is an extremely subconsious thing we do and often times we don't realize it at all.
5. It is totally possible to be in a relationship with a borderline. I am in a commited relationship with an amazing man I love very much, and we're both happy. My best friend also has BPD and has a wonderful long term relationship as well. It really is the same with any health issue, whether mental or physical. If you were dating a person with diabetes who was insulin dependant but refused to take it...then yeah of course you might not want to stay with the person because he/she isn't doing what they need to do to be healthy. It's the same with BPD. If we're not trying to get better, then go if you're unhappy. But most borderlines who face it and reach recovery (or even if not in full recovery, such as myself) can have very loving, happy, supportive, healthy relationships. Problems will arise, emotions will probably get in the way here and there, and the non borderline will have to educate him/herself and decide what he/she is comfortable dealing with. This is the same as if the person had cancer, chronic pain, heart problems, anxiety, etc. If you love the person and he/she is gettig better and you clearly see this, there is no reason to think you should leave the relationship just because of the BPD.
6. We are not trying to get attention. We do not fake this. Trust me, if you only knew how much I wish this to be true, but it simply isn't. You know how I can show this, 100% gauranteed? When we are with people we're normally happy, ecstatic at times. It's when we're alone, and bored, and have that empty feeling that we get the most upset. And no one is watching then, so how the hell is that for attention?
7. We are not weak. Telling us to "suck it up, everyone gets upset and you can calm yourself like the rest of us, there's no reason to feel that bad about this small of a thing, just relax, stop being so weak, etc." is not helping matters whatsoever, and quite often will make them much, much, much WORSE. These statements are completely invalidating and ignorant. We cannot control our emotions any more than someone with heart issues can control how the arteries and valves work in his/her body. Yes, taking certain meds and making lifestyle changes can help immensely, but you can't fix it with willpower. I think most borderlines have tried this at some point, and usually it just makes us feel worse and act more emotional and upset. This turmoil inside of us is extremely painful and trust me, if we could turn it off, we without a doubt would. Imagine the pain you would feel if every loved one you had died an unexpacted horrible death at the same time. Would't you be crushed? Angry? Depressed? Lonely? Hou would you feel if someone told you to 'suck it up, no big deal, you shouldn't feel this way'?
8. Lastly, there were a few people who acted totally victimized by a borderline. People who made it seem like we make life total hell for everyone around us as we sit back laughing about it. I completely understand and am aware of the fact that SOME borderlines can be abusive at times, emotionally or physically. There is no excuse for it. So can a bipolar, so can a completely healthy person. Not all of us are like this. But quite honestly acting like a victim when WE are the ones going through this battle, we are the ones feeling this pain, is not only infuriating, it just shows how little you understand the disorder.

I will not be writing about these negative, ignorant people again because like I said, I want this to be a place you can find support, information, and hope not hate. I just couldn't let this go. Please don't listen to these people, all they're doing is spreading hatred, ignorance, and creating a stigma which so many of us are trying to eliminate with education.

How to Set Goals and FOLLOW THROUGH with BPD

Many people, especially teens and young adults, find it difficult to set a goal, stick to it, and actually follow through to completion. For those of us with BPD, this struggle is magnified ten fold (at least!). I've discussed splitting and "all or nothing" thinking patterns and this has a huge part in why reaching goals becomes nearly impossible unless they are very short term.

Immediate gratification is what us borderlines are usually after in pretty much all situations. Looking at the 'big picture' and having to put in work over a long period of time with no short term rewards is really hard...seemingly totally impossible. Because of idealization and what some call, 'the chameleon effect' a certain thing will peak my interest. Whether it is a person, a major to study in school, a new diet, a religion, etc. I will totally immerse myself in this new thing. Sometimes it can be negative because I may have no real interest in this new thing, or maybe it is something that could be harmful. Other times I may become obsessed with something healthy, such as recovery. Here is an example of the normal course of events when a borderline sets a goal (I'm using myself and recovery as the example):
1. For whatever reason I decide to that I want to really put my whole self into recovery. I spend hours every day watching Youtube videos made by peers, I read blog after blog, visit website after website, set up tons of appointments with counselors, etc. I take notes on mindfulness, record feelings and thought processes in a journal, I do everything I should be doing and more.
2. My goal that I set for myself is to get to the point of actual recovery (which is when I no longer totally fit the diagnosis for BPD), and for days, weeks, maybe even months, I work on this.
3. Either I make a mistake (missing an appointment, having a emotional breakdown, etc.), or I have some small bad experience in group (someone calling me out on a bad behavior or maybe a debate with a peer), or maybe I just don't yet see results and so get frustrated. I will get angry that I'm not getting anywhere, I'll feel like this is useless, and so I'll find something else that I'm really interested in and want to immerse myself in.
4. At this time I simply 'drop' the plan. I turn on a time, basically acting like all that work never happened, and I get into whatever new cause I chose. At the end, the goal is never met.
THIS IS JUST ONE EXAMPLE. PERSONALLY I'VE DONE THIS WITH LITERALLY EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE AND RARELY HAVE MET A GOAL.
After years of doing this I realized that I'd never once followed through on...anything. Not on a relationship, a religion, an exercise routine, a study plan, education, NOTHING. And I became distressed by this, after all how could I ever hope to succeed in any way in life if I never reach even ONE goal?

After much research into goal setting in relation to borderlines, speaking to counselors, peers, etc. I've begun to learn how to get to the end of a goal I set for myself. There are some tricks to it that are key because obviously just setting the goal doesn't work. I'm going to share what has helped me personally and also what has helped some of my friends and acquaintances who also have BPD.

1. Figure out WHY you want this. Is it because someone is trying to force it on you or you feel pressured or like you have to do it to be accepted? Is it because a counselor or physician recommended it? Is it because a new friend or boyfriend is doing the same thing? Is it because YOU personally (I mean the REAL YOU) thinks it is important? The first thing you have to do is answer this question; if it isn't something that YOU (or maybe a doctor/counselor) really want for yourself then don't even bother. As soon as you start splitting and devaluing the person who gave you the idea for this goal, it will be tossed aside.
2. Actually set the goal. make sure it is clear and REALISTIC.

-BAD EXAMPLE: "I will be a psychologist in two years."
-GOOD EXAMPLE: "I will major in psychology and attain my Master's Degree in 6 years."

-BAD EXAMPLE: "I will dance for ten hours a day and be a professional within two months."
-GOOD EXAMPLE: "I will dance for 2-3 hours, 5 days a week, and get in touch with some dance companies in a year to see if I am skilled enough to start with them."

-BAD EXAMPLE: "I will be totally cured of BPD in a month if I do therapy, groups, research, and personal work for 12 hours a day."
-GOOD EXAMPLE: "I will be in recovery from BPD in a year if I stick to weekly counseling, groups, and practice DBT skills in every day life."

-BAD EXAMPLE: "I'll start a Youtube channel and be famous and rich in a month with 10,000 subscribers."
-GOOD EXAMPLE: "I'll start a Youtube channel, begin networking and advertising; my goal is to have 5,000 subscribers in a year."
3. Find ways that you can break down your goal into multiple smaller goals. If your goal is to have 5,000 Youtube subscribers for example, you could break it down like this:
-Film 3 videos a week.
-Build a Facebook page and update the status/posts at least every other day.
-Promote/advertise on the internet for you vlog for an hour, five days a week.
-Get 100 new subscribers a week.
Using these smaller goals, you can easily reach them which will give you some pretty immediate gratification and keep you from getting off track.
4. Find small rewards for every time a goal is reached. Keeping with the above example:
-After every video you film, have one of your favorite treats.
-After every 100 subscribers, buy yourself something small you've wanted for awhile.
-After every 1,000 subscribers, have a party or spend the weekend at the spa.
5. Keep yourself motivated in other ways. Make a list of all the reasons this goal is important to YOU. Put the list somewhere you can see it often or easily find it and read it if you feel yourself wanting to give up.
6. Let people in your life know what your goal is. This way they can support you (maybe even help you, depending on your situation); not to mention when people know what you want to achieve you feel pushed and are more likely to get to where you want to be.
7. When you reach your goal, BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. It was NOT EASY, BUT YOU DID IT. Reward yourself with the biggest reward yet. Now that you've seen you could do what you set out to do once, you'll be more likely to stick to your goals in the future.

The Importance of Using Diary Cards, Journals, Vlogs, etc.

Keeping a record of your life and road to health can be extremely beneficial to your healing, and also a testament to how far you've come once you're in recovery. There are tons of ways you can do this. 

The first is using diary cards (I'll put a link to an example at the bottom of this post) which are usually seen in inpatient health centers but can be used whenever you like. This sort of record is really good for the people who find it difficult to explain feelings in writing or don't feel comfortable being public on a vlog or blog. Oftentimes when in outpatient or private therapy, therapists will offer these cards to you and ask you to bring them in at your next session. 

The second way to keep a record is the obvious one, journaling. I've used a journal for as long as I can remember and have always found them helpful, not to mention it's almost fun to read my old ones from years ago. There is no right or wrong way to keep a journal. You can keep it on the computer and type out whatever you like, you can use an old $2 notebook, or you can buy an expensive diary from somewhere like Barnes and Noble. 

A blog (like this one) is another great way to keep a record. This can be a bit different though because you (probably) don't want the whole world knowing every personal thing that you'd normally have no problem writing in your journal, but it can still be a great tool for yourself and in the process you might even help someone else. 

A vlog (such as a Youtube channel) is another option for keeping track of things. Once again it is public so you may want to exercise a bit of discretion, but as with blogging, you might just help some other people with your story and knowledge. 

Whatever method you decide upon, try to get used to recording SOMETHING every single day, even if its just a sentence or a few numbers. I use a scale from 1 to 10 (1 besting worst, 5 being neutral or average, and 10 being best) to rate both my physical and emotional level of the day. This was you can look back over your numbers to find out things you otherwise might not see (i.e. days when you're with your family you are more stressed, the first week of a new medication you felt sick, the week when the weather was beautiful you were in a positive frame of mind, etc.) You can also record your meds, how different counseling sessions go, big life events, daily tasks and to do lists, it goes on and on. If you're ever for a loss for what to write, there are thousands of prompts that can easily be found on Google. 

DIARY CARD EXAMPLES/TEMPLATES

1. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/diary_card_1.html

2. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/diary_card_2.html

3. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/diary_card_4.html

Medications commonly used for people with BPD/HPD/PTSD/OCD

There are tons of medications used for BPD, though technically they're prescribed in most cases for specific symptoms of BPD rather than the disorder itself. There is no miracle drug or 'cure' for BPD, though with therapy and a lot of hard work you can reach a level of recovery. Instead, drug therapies are used to combat depression, anxiety, extreme mood swings, insomnia, etc.

I'm a firm believe that a pill is not the answer to your problems. I do not agree with providers who shove heavy duty drugs down their patient's throats before even knowing his/her story. I actually used to be one of the people who thought, "I don't need a damn pill to take so that I can fake being happy, I don't want to rely on medications, etc.", but as I learned more and talked to more people about their experiences and tried a few meds myself, I realized that they can be a very helpful aspect of healing.

Medications commonly prescribed to patients with BPD

Antidepressants:There are two main types of antidepressant drugs, monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOI's) and seratonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI's). These drugs can help with the depression, low mood, lack of energy, and anxiety associated with BPD, HPD, and PTSD but hasn't been shown to reduce other symptoms such as impulsivity, anger, etc. Some of the most common antidepressants prescribed are Nardil (phenelzine), Prozac (fluoxitine), and Zoloft (sertraline).

Antipsychotics:These medications were originally created for the psychotic disorders, but over time have been used for non psychotic disorders such as BPD. They can be some of the most helpful medications for borderlines and histrionics, and personally I've had really great results with one of them. These types of drugs typically help with impulsivity, rage, paranoid thinking, anxiety, 'splitting', and obsessive thought (OCD)s. Some have a side effect of sleepiness and so can also help with insomnia. Some of the most common are Haldol (haloperidol), Zyprexa (olanzapine), Risperdal (risperidone), and Seroquel (quetiapine).

Mood Stabilizers/Anticonvulsants: These medications have been shown to help control the extreme mood shifts, 'splitting', and impulsivity of people with BPD and HPD. The most commonly prescribed are Lithobid (lithium carbonate), Depakote (valproate), and Lamictal (lamogtrigine). 

Anxiolytics (Anti-anxiety): As the name suggests, these medications tend to be prescribed mainly for anxiety; and most often for cases in which extreme anxiety or panic is seen as a few of these drugs can be addictive. Mostly anxiolytics are not recommended to be taken on a regular schedule, but on an as needed basis. Great results can be achieved when used sparingly. I personally have used Ativan in the past on a few occasions and it worked amazingly. A few of the most commonly prescribed are Ativan (lorazepam), Klonopin (clonazepam), Xanax (alpazolam), Valium (diazepam), and Buspar (buspirone). 

Boredom in the DEVIL: Mindfulness

The title here might seem a bit dramatic or over the top, but trust me, NOTHING IS MORE TRUE. Boredom isn't really a good thing in anyone's life; humans are made to be doing things, thinking, moving forward; but this is even more true with people suffering from mental health issues, particularly BPD.

Look at it this way: what is the fundamental base of BPD and other mental disorders? Thought, feelings that arise from thoughts; essentially it is 'all in our heads' (and I don't mean that in a negative way I promise). When we have something to occupy our minds, less thoughts will come into our minds because we're actively using them. And those frustrating and potentially destructive fantasies and obsessive intrusive thoughts that lead to splitting and over analyzing and even personal crisis won't happen as frequently or as intensely if we're focused on some external thing.

Keeping busy and not allowing yourself to become bored does NOT mean that you can't have 'down-time'. There are plenty of things you can do that are relaxing but also proactive. Mindfulness is a HUGE factor in this. Any tiny activity can totally engulf you if you allow it, while at the same time you can be doing something seemingly active or thoughtful while not ACTUALLY THINKING about it. I'll give you an example. Something as small as doing the dishes, which most people would consider a boring chore can become a mindfulness excercise. Instead of whipping out the detergent and letting your thoughts wander, try focusing on what you're actually doing. Feel the suds on your hands. Focus on getting each dish as clean as possible. Hear the sounds of running water. On the other side of the spectrum, you can be doing something more in depth such as watching a television show or movie but you're not concentrating on what you're doing. Or if you're having a conversation with someone; actually SEE the person in front of you. Contemplate what they're saying. Actually LISTEN for once.

So basically; it's not what you're doing, it's how you're doing it. Practice being in the moment and mindful in every thing you do, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant you may think it is. When you do this it is easier not to have all those terrible and upsetting thoughts entering your mind constantly and when they do occur, it's harder for them to take root.

How Do I Start on The Path to Healing and Recovery?

So you've been diagnosed with a mental health problem, you've probably done some research, now what? Maybe you just recently developed symptoms, maybe you've struggled your entire life; either way it is never too soon or too late to begin getting help and working on you. In the beginning it can be extremely overwhelming trying to decide how to handle all of these problems, what professionals to see, which type of therapy to use, what medications you'd like to try, etc. So I wanted to do a basic guide to how to get started on the right path.

IF YOU ARE CURRENTLY IN A CRISIS  OR WAS DIAGNOSED DURING A VERY INTENSE EPISODE AND YOU FEEL UNSAFE, PLEASE SEEK EMERGENCY CARE. There is nothing wrong with doing a little bit of time in an inpatien program. Some only last a few days and can benefit you a great deal and really get you headed in the right direction.

Otherwise:
1. Find a primary care physician who you are comfortable with and keep him/her up to date on your current diagnoses, medications, and therapies.
2. Research. Find out as much as you possibly can on your particular diagnoses, the current research, support systems, therapies, etc. Become familiar with yourself, and be honest when evaluating your symptoms. You cannot fix something until you recognize its presence.
3. Find a mental health professional with the ability to prescribe medications (if you decide you'd like to go down this path). It can take some time to find someone who takes your opinion into account and it can take even longer to find the correct meds and dosages that are therapeutic. Don't be put off if you don't notice a huge change in the first week or month. And if for whatever reason you feel like the doctor is just pushing meds at you or not prescribing enough, you can always seek out a second, third, fourth, or fifth opinion. Don't get me wrong, I am not the sort of person who thinks a pill is the answer for everything; in fact I'm quite the opposite. I simply knowledge that drug therapy can make it possible to really enter recovery through other therapies.
4. Locate a counselor, therapist, social worker, etc. Sometimes it takes a little time because of insurance and costs to find someone in your area, but it is a very large field so don't be discouraged. It is totally normal to go through a few counselors before settling on one you're comfortable being honest with who is skilled in what you specifically need. And I'll give a little tip; BE HONEST. It was extremely difficult for me to talk about my innermost fears and most embarrassing thoughts, and its normal to take some time to build the relationship, but remember that YOU ARE THERE FOR HELP. And if you're not honest, it's almost pointless to be seeking help.
5. IF POSSIBLE AT ALL tell your closest family members and friends, and definitely your significant other about your diagnoses. Support is one of the most crucial aspects of healing and though I completely understand that some people knowing would just cause judgement and extra stress, please find at least one or two people you're close to to be open with about this. It's a good idea for your personal supporters to at least do some research on your diagnoses and possibly accompany you to a therapy session or even join a support group to learn how to cope.
6. Find outside support. There are support groups, peer sponsors, online chat rooms, Youtube channels, Facebook pages, blogs, tons and tons of places where you can meet people who are going through (or have gone through and recovered from) exactly what you're dealing with. Having a counselor is great, having the support of loved ones is amazing, but sometimes its comforting to be able to talk to someone who knows on a personal level what you feel.
7. Consider entering an intensive mental health or healing program. DBT is a common therapy used for many of the mental health problems I discuss in this blog. It specifically was created for BPD and has had wonderful results. Sometimes an intensive program (10-20 hours a week) for only a few weeks can really get you started off right.
8. DON'T GIVE UP! Setbacks are nor only normal but expected. They WILL happen. And when they do, be prepared, learn the skills needed to get through this time. In the end you'll be stronger for having made it. Even in your worst moment, remember that this is temporary and that recovery really is possible and even probably with effort.

What exactly is splitting?

A quick definition of splitting would be: being unable to recognize both good and bad, positive and negative attributes of a person or circumstance and form a coherent belief; thinking in terms of "black and white"; "all or nothing" thinking patterns. 

Splitting was first described by Pierre Janet and then later studied by Sigmund Freud. The entire concept of splitting was later delved deeper into by Freud's daughter, Anna Freud. The current definition of splitting however was coined by Melanie Klein, who developed the connection of "black and white", "all good/all bad" thinking patterns with childhood social and familial interaction. Later, Otto Kernberg looked further into how the development of a child can be the cause of splitting in adults. 

It is largely accepted that splitting is created in a human's mind when he/she is brought up without security. I don't mean financial security; I mean the dependability of what to expect from certain behaviors. If a child's parents are unexpectedly becoming angry or joyful or depressed, the child learns to switch emotions quickly and never reach a real, stable middle ground.

It is exceptionally difficult to explain this phenomenon to non borderlines; I've gotten the response "Just be logical about it". Well, that's difficult when your mind convinces you that these thoughts ARE logical. 

The most commonly seen splitting characteristic is idealization and devaluation. There is never a middle ground, ever. We borderline's have a difficult, and sometimes even an impossible, time seeing the 'big picture'. Instead of looking at all the good aspects of a person or situation and just recognizing and accepting the small flaws, the moment a flaw is detected the entire person or situation is "all bad" or totally devalued. 

Before a person struggling with BPD starts the path to recovery, it is typical for him/her to have very intense, emotionally volatile relationships that never last too long. This is because when someone is pleasing the borderline (living up to the expectations), the borderline is totally idealizing him/her. To the borderline, this person reaches almost perfection, God-like qualities. Then the moment this person frustrates or lets down (usually by no fault of their own) the borderline, he/she is totally cast aside and devalued. Now the borderline sees him/her as a horrible, cruel, uncaring person and before treatment it's common for the borderline to completely cut this person out of his/her life. 

Learning to see the whole relationship is a skill that takes a great deal of effort because it's not like when I feel myself devaluing this person I can just tell myself to stop. The thoughts come and so do the resulting emotions. As someone who deals with BPD, I have always had these all or nothing thoughts, and quite possibly always will, but I've started to learn how to control my reactions to these thoughts and feelings, if that makes any sense. 

For example, if someone (boyfriend, parent, friend, coworker) somehow irritates me or lets me down (either by fault of their own or not), I definitely still have the total devaluation of him/her going on in my head. I'll think things like, "I knew he/she didn't care about me", "He/she ALWAYS does this", "He/she is a bad person/friend/lover/parent because of this". In the past, I probably would have gotten overly angry at the person, yelling and creating a big scene, then I'd have retreated and entered a state of fear of abandonment. Often I would disown this person, sometimes permanently. After recognizing that this IS NOT ME, it is my illness, I began accepting that these thoughts may not always be true. I challenge them now. When I have that all or nothing thinking about someone, especially someone who is close to me, I will force myself to try and think logically and remember all the GOOD THINGS about him/her. It can be really hard to see the person and our relationship as a whole, but with practice it is possible. I won't deny that there are still instances where I create arguments with the person over something tiny because of splitting; I won't deny that these thoughts still enter my mind and that I even believe them at times, but what I will say is that I'm learning NOT TO ACT on them. And to me, that is a huge step. When I feel myself devaluing a person, I will try and stay away from him/her for at least a few hours so that I can sort things out on my own and recognize all of the positive aspects of him/her. Usually this works fairly well for myself. 

Some drug therapies help with splitting, though this differs greatly from person to person. In my experience, being on an antipsychotic or mood stabilizing medication sort of levels me out and even though the medication won't get rid of the thoughts, it keeps me from getting too emotionally invested in them. Seroquel specifically has helped a lot with my all or nothing thinking.

Therapy can be a great way to learn how to work on your "black and white" thinking patterns. Having someone who is separate and non-judgmental who clearly sees the entire concept/person/circumstance without any emotion attachment is key to recovery. Your counselor can point out all the good things you said about this very thing you're now devaluing which only days or weeks ago you were idealizing and help you see both sides. 

My Experience with BPD and HPD Part 1

I have had symptoms of both of these personality disorders since I was eleven years old. Who knows, I may have had them even earlier, but right around age 11-12 I distinctly remember noticing something...different about me. And when I look back, I see that my symptoms were the worst between the ages of 13 and 16, though to this day (at age 19) I struggle.

Let me give you a little background information on myself and what I think led to the development of my mental health problems.

Growing up as a child and teenager, I had no real structure or stability. I lived mainly with my mother, father, and younger brother (about a year and a half my junior), though I did stay with my grandparents (my mother's mother and step-father) for a few weeks to months at a time when I was a child. When with my parents, we moved a lot, and I mean A LOT. By the time I was 13, I had lived in Pennsylvania, New York, South Carolina, Florida, and Arizona. And in each of these states we had multiple homes. Sometimes we'd only live in one rental for a month or two; the longest I ever lived in one house was two years, I believe. Not only did we move very frequently, but when I was 12 to 14 we were also homeless off and on. I don't mean 'we're staying with my aunt until we get back on our feet homeless' either, I mean 'living in a little tent village in the middle of a desert campground' homeless. Needless to say, I attended quite a number of different schools and there were even years I wasn't educated at all though I would study on my own and therefore ended up doing very in high school. Between kindergarten and 12th grade I was in 7 schools, two online school programs, and home schooled for a few years as well.

This upbringing definitely had an impact on me, but there is more. Growing up in my family was rough at times. Although my parents are both very good people who did their best, their own issues plus the stress of our chaotic situations made it really hard to feel comfortable at home. My father is an alcoholic and would be sober for months at a time, but then go on a binge and sometimes be out of my life for a bit. My mother had traumas of her own and suffered with depression, anxiety, and (suspected and undiagnosed) Bipolar Disorder. Because of these reasons, I was often confused by their reactions. I could do one thing on Monday and be screamed at and heavily chastised for it, but then if I did the same thing Tuesday it would be ignored. It was common for the household to turn into almost a battleground, with everyone yelling at everyone else...all over something tiny such as (literally) spilled milk. I wasn't given much discipline and was generally left to take care of myself; I was allowed to do things at a very young age that many people would consider very taboo.

On top of all the family issues I had growing up, there was also sexual abuse present. I was molested as a very young child, then at 12 I got into a 'relationship' with a much older guy who sexually and verbally abused me. At 14 I entered into a relationship with a guy my age who (later) was diagnosed as Bipolar and a Paranoid Schizophrenic. I was with him for nearly five years and went through sexual abuse on a very regular basis, as well as physical and verbal abuse. There were a few other instances of sexual trauma; all of which I'll go into detail about in a later post.

As I mentioned earlier, I noticed significant symptoms starting around the age of 12. This is the time when my life really began getting hectic and scary; before this point I was mostly shielded by my parents. I remember just feeling empty, hollow, and totally alone. This was the first time I really switched identities, which is very common in those with BPD. I felt like every move was a brand new opportunity to be someone new. People without BPD might also have felt this way, but it was more extreme than is 'normal'. I would totally switch from one identity to another, always hoping to find that one thing, that one person, that one cause, which would ease the feelings of being empty. For example, at age 12 I 'converted' to Christianity, Baptist to be precise. I began dressing in long skirts, reading the bible, getting rides to church with a neighbor. Then I got into my animal rights phase during which I was a vegetarian, member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA); I was even a supporter of an organization classified by the FBI as domestic terrorists known as the Animal Liberation Front (ALF). I had what I call my 'slut stage'; during this time all I cared about was partying, running away, getting attention from as many men as possible, wearing extremely provocative clothing, etc. This phase is definitely more indicative of HPD than BPD, but because of the change in total identity I still consider it a BPD 'episode' of mine. After this phase I became a 'hippie'. Then an avid Atheist. Then a disciplined Buddhist. Next a Pagan; I joined a coven and practiced every night for months. And the list goes on.

Why did I change my identity so much? Why would I drastically alter the fundamentals of who I was? Like I said, there is a pervasive hollowness that is always present until something or someone peaks your interest. Then I'd dive in with my whole self; researching for days on end with no sleep, meeting new people, even changing my name, buying new clothes, etc. Most of these 'identities' lasted between a few months and a year, then I'd do a sort of purge. One little thing would throw me off (i.e. if it was a religion I was currently fixated on, I might see a fundamental of that religion and disagree with it) and I just couldn't handle being that me anymore. I'd abruptly stop talking to people, throw away all my journals, burn all my notes, and get that (now) past life as far away from me as possible. Then the emptiness came back until something else became the new me.

To this day I do this type of behavior, just in smaller more manageable ways. For example, instead of leaving my boyfriend after a fight because he didn't live up to my perfect expectations, I'll just back off for a day or so until I'm thinking clearly again. My journals are a really good example of this behavior. I've always been an avid writer and really enjoy documenting my day to day life and feelings. I will spend a decent amount of money on a brand new, beautiful notebook or journal. The first day or so I will write neatly, be very descriptive, etc. Then I'll get upset or just lazy one day and write sloppily...for some reason now that there is one small defect in the journal, the entire thing gets thrown away. It's rare for me to keep one for more than a week.

"Splitting" is a symptom of BPD that I really struggle with. Splitting is black or white thinking, all or nothing, good or bad; technically over idealization and devaluation. This can happen with people, jobs, pretty much everything. I'll give an example. Say I'm having a fun date with my boyfriend, I'll feel like he's the best person on the face of the earth. Not just in the normal girly way; I'll feel like he can do no wrong, like he's almost got god like qualities, like I'll do anything just to make him smile. I'll want to be with him constantly. I will end up expectations for him in my head. Then the instant one of my UNREALISTIC expectations is not met, I flip, or "split". I will totally devalue him as a boyfriend and as a person. I'll think he's a horrible person who doesn't care about me or love me, I'll have the urge to leave his life completely (though thank god I've controlled myself well enough in this way), etc. Only a few hours or days later I'll be back to over idealizing him. The same thing happens in jobs, religious and spiritual beliefs, relationships with family and friends, causes and groups I support, etc.

At the core of splitting (in my opinion) is the fantasy that plays out in my mind. I will have a random thought, usually negative or insecure in nature, then I'll run with it and develop an entire fantasy based around it, which turns into almost a truth. For example, I can be out with my best friend when we run into one of her other friends. I tiny thought crosses my mind that she likes this other girl more and next thing I know I'm fully positive that she is faking how much she likes me and really would rather be with this other girl. It sounds ridiculous being explained, but that's how it works.

Also a big issue of mine is fear of abandonment. It isn't nearly as bad now as it used to be; it's not as big of a problem for me this exact moment as splitting, but it is still there. It's not that I walk around everyday thinking that everyone is conspiring to leave me, but the thoughts creep up on me from little situations. My boyfriend or friend or mother will criticize me on a small flaw or mistake of mine (such as me forgetting to do the dishes, or I'll be told I'm 'acting bitchy', etc.) and then those intrusive thoughts come into my head where I JUST KNOW that I'll be left alone because this person sees all my screw ups and can't love me, doesn't truly love me, they've been lying the whole time, and on and on. This intense fear used to make me a pretty controlling person because I was so terrified of losing what I cared about. Over time, with the help of a man who loves me, I learned that controlling situations won't hold onto something or someone. I find myself thinking these things, but I've gotten pretty good at not acting on them.

Now, the HPD also plays a role in my life. For most of my life, I dressed really provocatively, even from a super young age. I still dress far from modestly, but I make a huge effort not to show too much. Up until only two weeks ago, I needed a full face of makeup to go out. Part of it was the normal insecurities of a young woman, but another part was getting attention. To be honest, I didn't even realize this symptom until a few days ago! I thought I just liked dressing that way and hated the attention; because it does make me uncomfortable sometimes...so it made no sense to me. But it's true. I also tend to become the 'center of attention'...turning a conversation into a speech, etc. In the past I also had issues with impulse control (which I'll detail in the future), which thankfully I've come pretty far with. I was a self-injurer from the ages of 12 to 16, and also dealt with Eating Disorders between 15 and 18.  I still find myself trying to impress people or do whatever it takes to gain their approval...and when I don't have it I feel extremely depressed. A lot of people in my life have called me a bitch, or cold, or uncaring, or even selfish because of my shallow emotions. It's not that I don't care about others, I really truly do deep inside, it's just that IN THE MOMENT I only have the ability to look at my own thoughts, feels, and situations.

The 'Chameleon Effect' is mostly noted in literature about BPD, but a characteristic of HPD is very similar and so I'm sort of grouping it as one. Basically, us Borderlines and Histrionics can read people very quickly and easily. Within moments of meeting someone I can take in their manner of speech, dress, age, opinions, etc. and sort of morph into someone more resembling this person. Very quickly we learn how to gauge someones reaction to certain things and we'll use this to our advantage at times. It's not that we're trying to manipulate people or be deceitful, it honestly just subconsciously happens. In some ways people love this about us because I can be the best girlfriend, the best friend you've ever had, the perfect employee. At the end of the day though, this makes it really tough to figure out who I really am.

So, this is the basic story of me; I will be writing a part two soon.

What is Histrionic Personality Disorder?

Histrionic Personality Disorder, or HPD for short, is a 'Cluster B' (dramatic type) personality disorder. Typically HPD will be present along with other mental health concerns such as other personality disorders (very common), Bipolar Disorder, clinical depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and panic/anxiety disorders.

The diagnostic criterion (as seen in the DSM) for Histrionic Personality Disorder is as follows:
Five or more of the characteristics/behaviors/symptoms below must be present-
1. is uncomfortable in situations when he/she is not the center of attention
2. interaction with others is often characterized as overly sexually seductive or provocative behavior
3. displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions
4. consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self
5. has a style of speech which is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail
6. shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotions
7. is suggestible i.e. is easily influenced by others or circumstances
8. considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are

Along with these diagnostic criteria, there are other traits of someone with HPD. Some other symptoms are:
-exhibitionist behavior
-constant seeking of reassurance or approval
-pride in own personality and unwillingness to change; viewing any change as a threat
-inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior of a sexual nature
-using somatic symptoms (physical) to garner attention
-a need to be the center of attention
-low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification
-rapidly shifting emotional states that may seem superficial or exaggerated to others
-making rash decisions
-blaming personal failures or disappointments on others
-being easily influenced by others; especially those who treat them approvingly
-being overly dramatic and emotional
*some Histrionics will change their seductive and sexual techniques into a more maternal/paternal style as they age

A mnemonic that is used quite frequently to remember the characteristics of HPD is "PRAISE ME".
Provocative (or seductive) behavior
Relationships are considered more intimate than they actually are
Attention seeking
Influenced easily
Speech style wants to impress; lacks detail
Emotional shallowness

Makeup, physical appearance used to draw attention to self
Exaggerated emotions; theatrical

Only about 1%-3% of the general population had HPD, but between 10%-20% of patients in mental health inpatient and outpatient programs have been diagnosed with it. Women are typically diagnosed much more often with HPD, it is actually uncommon (but possible) for males to have it. The disorder tends to become apparent usually between the ages of 16 and 25, though this can and does differ dramatically.

*NOTE*
I will be posting information on the causes and treatments of HPD very soon, but wanted to wait and make one large post including other personality disorders as well.

Welcome!

I just wanted to take a moment to welcome anyone who has happened upon this blog and give a little bit of a 'preview' if you will of what will be posted in the future.

My name is Erin first of all, and I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I have struggled with mental health problems for most of my life and just now I am beginning a path to actual recovery. And don't think you're stuck in how you feel now, recovery IS POSSIBLE, for all of us; it just takes a lot of work, strength, support, and determination.

Some posts will be personal updates on my status, my story, my medications, etc. Others will be informative on various mental health disorders, treatments, new research, etc. I plan on also creating a youtube channel and uploading videos corresponding to each post here. I will update you when this comes to be.

So please, if you suffer from any of these mental health conditions, know someone who does, or are just seeking information out of curiosity or research, follow here. I am determined to spread awareness and am dedicated to keeping an up to date account of everything, so you will not be let down by a stagnant blog.

Find us on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/LifeOfABorderline