Having any sort of relationship is difficult when you have Borderline Personality Disorder, whether it's with a parent, sibling, friend, and especially with romantic relationship. Some people have made claims that it is completely impoaaible to have a long term relationship that is healthy where both parties are happy. This, I can assure you, is 100% inaccurate and just plain wrong.
Before being diagnosed or seeking help, intense and unstable relationships are extremely common. And when a borderline in in the throes of an extreely rough time, yes, I admit, it's hard to maintain a romantic relationship where both the borderline and non borderline feel loved, supported, and happy. This is one of my biggest reasons to get help actually. In the past, my symptoms have created chaotic relationships, however, since I began accepting my issues and working on them, my relationship has only gotten better.
Borderlines can truly make some of the best partners because we are so loving and when we love someone, we will do everything and anything to make that person happy. It is true that we can also be emotionally unstable, agry, impulsive, prone to lying and or promiscuity, etc. However, once we get help, healthy, happy, loving relationships are most definitely possible.
There are some differences bewteen being in a "normal" relationship and being in a relationship with a borderline. However, this is not reason to run away from it. Just as being with a diabetic, cancer patient, sufferer of chronic pain, or any physical illness changes some dynamics of a relationship, a mental illness does too. My theory is the EVERYONE (even seemingly "normal" people) has issues and when you love someone, you support them. As long as the relationship doesn't become abusive or completely unhappy, then continue to try and support each other. Below I'm going to list a few things that both the borderline and non borderline can do in a relationship to raise the chances of being happy and long term.
For the Borderline
-Get help. This is the first step in being able to live any type of routine, healthy, regulated life and most definitely the first step in being able to maintain a relationship.
-Whether you're in intensive outpatient, DBT, etc., have a regular counselor who you can see on a regular basis (at least weekly). This is important because you need someone to talk to aside from your partner.
-Do not make your partner your therapist. Be open and honest with him/her about what you are going through, explain what you're feeling when having an episode, etc. but no not put that pressure on your partner. Trust me, it is unhealthy and in a way almost cruel to the non borderline. It's not his/her job to "make you better". Realize this.
-Let your partner in on your recovery. Hiding your diagnoses or issues is not going to help anyone. In my experience, if you are open with what sypmtoms you deal with, it makes the non borderline more understanding and willing to work with you.
-Make sure that your partner fully knows that your illness is not his/her fault. Yes, he/she CAN do things which would annoy/upset/hurt any "normal" person and warrant an argument or disagreement. I'm not saying that the borderline is always to blame. However, make sure your partner knows that any suicidal ideation, extreme depression, self image issues, etc. is not his/her fault or responsibility.
-Educate the non borderline. Read articles pertaining to your symptoms to him/her, show him/her Youtube videos. Maybe even show the non borderline something personal, such as your journal, so that he/she can clearly see what goes on in your head and how you feel because explaining these things can be really difficult. The more your partner knows about BPD, the more understanding and supportive he/she will be.
-If you feel yourself splitting, take a break. I don't mean a break from the relationship. What I mean is say that you're on the phone with your partner and he/she says something that triggers you to feel angry/hurt/panic/jealousy/etc., cut the conversation short and do not call him/her back until you've gotten control over yourself. You're not always going to be able to do this, especially if you live with the non borerline. But you can go to the bedroom and explain you need an hour alone, you can go for a walk, anything. I reccommend calling a hotline, writing in your journal, calling a friend who also has BPD, or doing a DBT chain link worksheet quickly. I'll put a link at the end of this post for one. Doing this worksheet will help you see why you got to this emotional state and might calm you a bit and help you see clearly.
-Honesty. This is key in any relationship, but even more so in those with borderlines. If you have issues with impulse control, make sure that your partner knows this. If you are a borderline with sex/love addiction, try not to put yourself in situations where this might be triggered. And if the worst happens, tell your partner, no matter how difficult it is.
For the Non Borderline
-Educate yourself. Find out as much as you can about the disorder so that you can understand what your loved one is going through.
-Support the borderline. Show him/her you're proud that he/she is seeking help and following through. Show interest in the skills that are being learned. Be involved a bit.
-Give the borderline validation. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER USE THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS:
1. "You shouldn't feel like this."
2. "You're overreacting."
3. "Stop being such a drama queen."
4. "Just relax, you can control how you feel."
5. "Everyone feels depressed, why do you have to make such a huge deal about it?"
6. "If you just don't fixate on the bad feelings, they'll go away."
Making statements like this will totally invalidate your loved one. And to be honest, if you feel this way then you haven't educated yourself enough. Saying these things to a borderline will make him/her feel (and possibly act) much worse.
-Set boundaries. Just as in any relationships, some boundaries need to be set and kept. Make sure that the boundaries and way you make sure they are kept doesn't make the borderline feel put out or isolated. For example, everyone needs their space and alone time. However this can make a borderline feel like you don't love or care for him/her and bring out the fear of abandonment. When you need time alone or with your family or friends (without your partner), say something like, "You know I love being with you and you're a huge part of my life, but I also need to have some time with my other friends. I'll be with them this Saturday from this time to this time and I'd appreciate it if you could be okay with this. I'll call you when we're done hanging out." Don't say it like this, "I'm going to be with some people for awhile, you need to just deal with it, bye."
-If something you do makes your borderline partner feel insecure or hurt, talk to him/her about it. For example, if you're with a female borderline and she starts crying and having an episode because you have a female friend she feels insecure or jealous about, don't get angry at her. Sit her down and explain the relationship. You may be thinking "I don't need to tell her every little thing, she is just trying to be controlling, etc." but this is not the truth. The more details a borderline knows the more comfortable he/she will be. Say something like, "Me and so and so are honestly just friends. She's never acted flirty with me, and neither of us like each other like that. We don't see each other or talk all that often, and there really is no reason to be insecure about her because YOU are the woman I love. She doesn't come close to what our relationship is, but she is my friend and I'd really be upset if you couldn't accept that. So what boundaries would I need to have with her for you to feel comfortable?"
-Show the borderline that you love him/her. When you're with him/her make it worthwhile, especially if you live apart. And when you can't see each other, especially if it's for days or weeks on end, understand that the person dealing with BPD has a hard time connecting and feeling loved when you're not right there, and so help him/her feel comfortable by texting a few times a day or calling every night and maybe on a lunch break. You don't need to call ten times a day and text constantly, just make sure that he/she knows you love and are thinking about him/her periodically.
If you take some of these pointers and use them, a healthy relationship where both parties feel supported, loved, cared for, and happy is more than possible. Above all, understanding, education, and compassion is needed.
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