Many people, especially teens and young adults, find it difficult to set a goal, stick to it, and actually follow through to completion. For those of us with BPD, this struggle is magnified ten fold (at least!). I've discussed splitting and "all or nothing" thinking patterns and this has a huge part in why reaching goals becomes nearly impossible unless they are very short term.
Immediate gratification is what us borderlines are usually after in pretty much all situations. Looking at the 'big picture' and having to put in work over a long period of time with no short term rewards is really hard...seemingly totally impossible. Because of idealization and what some call, 'the chameleon effect' a certain thing will peak my interest. Whether it is a person, a major to study in school, a new diet, a religion, etc. I will totally immerse myself in this new thing. Sometimes it can be negative because I may have no real interest in this new thing, or maybe it is something that could be harmful. Other times I may become obsessed with something healthy, such as recovery. Here is an example of the normal course of events when a borderline sets a goal (I'm using myself and recovery as the example):
1. For whatever reason I decide to that I want to really put my whole self into recovery. I spend hours every day watching Youtube videos made by peers, I read blog after blog, visit website after website, set up tons of appointments with counselors, etc. I take notes on mindfulness, record feelings and thought processes in a journal, I do everything I should be doing and more.
2. My goal that I set for myself is to get to the point of actual recovery (which is when I no longer totally fit the diagnosis for BPD), and for days, weeks, maybe even months, I work on this.
3. Either I make a mistake (missing an appointment, having a emotional breakdown, etc.), or I have some small bad experience in group (someone calling me out on a bad behavior or maybe a debate with a peer), or maybe I just don't yet see results and so get frustrated. I will get angry that I'm not getting anywhere, I'll feel like this is useless, and so I'll find something else that I'm really interested in and want to immerse myself in.
4. At this time I simply 'drop' the plan. I turn on a time, basically acting like all that work never happened, and I get into whatever new cause I chose. At the end, the goal is never met.
THIS IS JUST ONE EXAMPLE. PERSONALLY I'VE DONE THIS WITH LITERALLY EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE AND RARELY HAVE MET A GOAL.
After years of doing this I realized that I'd never once followed through on...anything. Not on a relationship, a religion, an exercise routine, a study plan, education, NOTHING. And I became distressed by this, after all how could I ever hope to succeed in any way in life if I never reach even ONE goal?
After much research into goal setting in relation to borderlines, speaking to counselors, peers, etc. I've begun to learn how to get to the end of a goal I set for myself. There are some tricks to it that are key because obviously just setting the goal doesn't work. I'm going to share what has helped me personally and also what has helped some of my friends and acquaintances who also have BPD.
1. Figure out WHY you want this. Is it because someone is trying to force it on you or you feel pressured or like you have to do it to be accepted? Is it because a counselor or physician recommended it? Is it because a new friend or boyfriend is doing the same thing? Is it because YOU personally (I mean the REAL YOU) thinks it is important? The first thing you have to do is answer this question; if it isn't something that YOU (or maybe a doctor/counselor) really want for yourself then don't even bother. As soon as you start splitting and devaluing the person who gave you the idea for this goal, it will be tossed aside.
2. Actually set the goal. make sure it is clear and REALISTIC.
-BAD EXAMPLE: "I will be a psychologist in two years."
-GOOD EXAMPLE: "I will major in psychology and attain my Master's Degree in 6 years."
-BAD EXAMPLE: "I will dance for ten hours a day and be a professional within two months."
-GOOD EXAMPLE: "I will dance for 2-3 hours, 5 days a week, and get in touch with some dance companies in a year to see if I am skilled enough to start with them."
-BAD EXAMPLE: "I will be totally cured of BPD in a month if I do therapy, groups, research, and personal work for 12 hours a day."
-GOOD EXAMPLE: "I will be in recovery from BPD in a year if I stick to weekly counseling, groups, and practice DBT skills in every day life."
-BAD EXAMPLE: "I'll start a Youtube channel and be famous and rich in a month with 10,000 subscribers."
-GOOD EXAMPLE: "I'll start a Youtube channel, begin networking and advertising; my goal is to have 5,000 subscribers in a year."
3. Find ways that you can break down your goal into multiple smaller goals. If your goal is to have 5,000 Youtube subscribers for example, you could break it down like this:
-Film 3 videos a week.
-Build a Facebook page and update the status/posts at least every other day.
-Promote/advertise on the internet for you vlog for an hour, five days a week.
-Get 100 new subscribers a week.
Using these smaller goals, you can easily reach them which will give you some pretty immediate gratification and keep you from getting off track.
4. Find small rewards for every time a goal is reached. Keeping with the above example:
-After every video you film, have one of your favorite treats.
-After every 100 subscribers, buy yourself something small you've wanted for awhile.
-After every 1,000 subscribers, have a party or spend the weekend at the spa.
5. Keep yourself motivated in other ways. Make a list of all the reasons this goal is important to YOU. Put the list somewhere you can see it often or easily find it and read it if you feel yourself wanting to give up.
6. Let people in your life know what your goal is. This way they can support you (maybe even help you, depending on your situation); not to mention when people know what you want to achieve you feel pushed and are more likely to get to where you want to be.
7. When you reach your goal, BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. It was NOT EASY, BUT YOU DID IT. Reward yourself with the biggest reward yet. Now that you've seen you could do what you set out to do once, you'll be more likely to stick to your goals in the future.
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